It’s all about perspective. Imagine yourself sitting at the Cowboys’ game on the 50-yard line, while an acquaintance is sitting behind the goal post. After that game winning field goal, you throw your arms up in excitement! However, your friend is already posting about what a good game that was but with a disappointing ending; “#Howcouldhemissthat?!”
While sporting the same jersey and attending the same game, you are experiencing pure excitement and your friend is utterly disappointed. Are you recalling a similar experience? Differences in our perception can lead to conflict amongst others but also internal turmoil. If you find that you are struggling to recall the last time you felt happy, proud, attractive, etc., consider how your perspective is contributing to those feelings.
Perhaps, those referees can offer a third perspective to settle the differences between you and your friend’s hashtag. Much like a referee, a counselor offers non-judgemental input to help you settle those differences between everyday challenges and your perspective. If this is something that has been difficult, you may consider connecting with a counselor.
Whether you are a free range parent or a helicopter parent, you are setting the stage for a lifetime from the very beginning. As mentioned in a previous post about sleep, babies may not communicate well verbally, but they and their bodies do understand consistency. Teaching these little ones to both have and respect boundaries starts there: consistency! Through starting young, you are setting up your child and your parenting for success, as they grow older, more inquisitive, more independent and begin to push those buttons.
Here are a few things to try out consistently:
Redirect from an undesirable activity and explain
“No touch. The oven is hot.” “That cabinet is not yours, but this is one you can play in.”
Offer visual choices when old enough to reach/grab, point, communicate yes/no
“Would you like blueberries or raspberries?” “Should we brush your teeth or hair first?”
Stick to your routine as often as possible
Even though your baby may not think they are done playing for the night, gently remind them it is bedtime, and they do need to lay in bed.
Explain when you can. Even if they are not using words, you’d be surprised what an older infant/toddler understands!
“We are going to daycare now.” “It’s time to sit in your high chair for lunch.”
Many times we feel that we have fully apologized to another person about how we have offended or wronged them. But the offended person may want to hear more than just the two words “I’m sorry.” They may have heard that apology several times from the same person and been betrayed or disappointed again by the same actions or words. So the simple “I’m sorry” can seem empty and meaningless. Use these five elements of a sincere apology and then put these elements into action to win a person’s trust back.
“I am sorry for……” Say what you’re sorry for specifically. Saying the words describing the offense you are apologizing for shows the listener that you have heard and understood what you did that was hurtful to him or her.
“I was wrong to ……..” Explain what offensive or hurtful action or speech you are accepting as your bad. This lets the listener know that you are not only asking for forgiveness with an apology, but you are naming what you did and that you admit it was offensive to her or him. This admission says that I am truly sorry for what I did or said not simply because I was called out on it.
“What can I do to help you start trusting me again?”This tells the listener that you are not only willing to admit that you committed an offense but that you want to try to right the situation in some way and prove to them that you want their trust back. This also allows the one offended to have a say in what would make your relationship right again.
Genuinely Promising Change
“I am committed to doing everything I can to never do this again.” Tell the listener that you not only want to say you’re sorry for the offense, but you want to make sure that the offense never happens again. Tell them what you will do to stop yourself from committing the same offense.
“Will you please forgive me?”At this point asking for forgiveness from the one you offended or hurt marks the apology as genuine. Because you are sorry for what you did, admitted what you did, offered to make good on the hurt relationship and trust, and promised change in your behavior in the future, the listener is more likely to genuinely forgive you because of your genuine apology.
We are allpeople-pleasers in some way or another. And that is just fine for the most part. Wanting to be approved of—and loved—is as natural as needingfood and shelter.
Butwhen you try to please everyonethat it becomes a problem.
You might bethe go-to personfor your extended family, co-workers or social circle.
The guy who will always change their plans at a moment’s notice.
The girl who will always take on more work and stay late.
The one who will always say yes.
The person who never says no!
If this is you, keep reading:
Why Trying to Please Everyone Doesn’t Work
You attract people less.
You love yourself less.
You are seen as untrustworthy.
You end up with less confidence.
You become more resentful.
You fail to please the one person that matters.
The most important reason to stop trying to please everyone has nothing to do with everyone and everything to do with just one person—you. The more people a pleaser tries to please, the less time they have for their own pursuits, which can leave themfeeling bitter.
Learning to be the real you, to stand up for yourself, to say no, is the only cure.
Make a promise to yourself to start today!
Welcome to For Self-Examination, the podcast that is all about you! Start your week off right with a little Monday morning inspiration. Each month we will explore a different real life topic and seek advice from professionals. The show is about the hard stuff in life that we face everyday and how to find the courage to over come them.
Learn about me, Dr. Christopher Taylor, professional counseling and Taylor Counseling Group.
Counseling Resources: https://taylorcounselinggroup.com/resources-1
Disclaimer: No professional counseling advice is being offered to the audience. If you experience a life threatening emergency you should call 911 immediately or proceed to the nearest emergency room. The view's expressed by guest do not reflect those of Taylor Counseling Group.
Boundaries are dividing lines that create limits and awareness. In marriage, boundaries may appear restrictive but they actually promote protection, security and clarity. One of the best ways to show your partner you love and avoid painful consequences is to respect and honor the boundaries set in the marriage.
One area where this can be a challenge is in engaging with the opposite sex. There can be a lot of “gray” when it comes to this as we are often in environments with inevitable interactions between the genders. Creating boundaries for engaging with others should be a collaborative activity that leaves no questions as to what is “appropriate” versus “inappropriate.” Couples are a team and a team functions well when each player/partner understands and agrees with the rules.
Here are a few helpful things to think about when deciding your boundaries:
If you wouldn’t say or do it in front of your spouse, then it probably shouldn’t be said or done at all.
Do not discuss marital issues or your spouse's flaws with others
Incorporate device transparency including passwords and any communication with others.
Identify what is appropriate to watch and where is appropriate to go both alone and together
Avoid as much one on one time as possible with the opposite sex
Substance use around mixed gendered groups
Creating space for open and honest communication regarding struggles, needs and wants in the relationship.
Be intentional and thoughtful in this process. Do not be afraid of creating black and white limits as they will protect your relationship in the long run.
When people think of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), they automatically think of it being experienced by soldiers coming home from war. While it can be common in the veteran population, you don’t have to have gone to war to be diagnosed with PTSD. PTSD can start after any traumatic event. A traumatic event includes a situation where we are in danger and or our life is threatened. It can even include a situation in which we see other people dying or being injured. Even hearing about an unexpected injury or violent death of a family member or close friend can start PTSD.
Some examples include:
Serious road accidents
Violent assault (sexual, physical, abuse, kidnapping, robbery/mugging)
Being diagnosed with a life threatening illness
Death of a family member
Many people feel grief-stricken, depressed, anxious, guilty and angry after a traumatic experience.
There are three main types of symptoms experienced with PTSD:
Flashbacks and Nightmares: This can be experienced as reliving the event over and over again. These can be so real that it feels as if you are reliving it again.
Avoidance and Numbing: It can feel unbearable to have to relive a traumatic even over and over so it can be understandable those with PTSD would choose to distract themselves, avoiding things and people that remind them of the trauma, and try to feel nothing at all with alcohol or drugs.
Being on edge- staying alert all the time and always on the lookout for possible dangers.
Stay tuned to learn more about PTSD on the TCG Blog.
Setting healthy boundaries is an important piece of creating balance in relationships. But like many other intangible aspects of human relationships, it can be difficult to determine where that boundary belongs. Largely, that depends on you.
Is the current boundary causing you more angst than necessary?
Is it interfering with other aspects of your life (work, personal, relationships)?
Does it make you content or happy, largely without angst?
If you are satisfied with the answers to the above questions, chances a good that your current boundaries are serving you well. If you are not satisfied, it is necessary to explore your answers further. Consider the following a starting point.
Perhaps, you are accepting responsibility that belongs to others. Often times, we strive to protect our loved ones from pain and suffering. Consider the toddler learning to walk and explore their environment. While it may be difficult to see them stumble and obtain new bumps and bruises, it is a necessary part of their mastering balance. From each fall, they learn to improve their newly acquired skillset. As we are think about healthy boundaries, it is important to explore whether or not you are in fact keeping your loved one from stumbling and learning. Identifying such situations will provide you with an opportunity to reestablish such a boundary.
How do we create a healthy balance in our roles? It's a REAL struggle. Most of us play many roles-- employee, spouse, parent, friend, sibling, child, lover of (insert activity), etc. and it's no secret that roles can easily become unbalanced. Creating a balance is about feeling good about how we spend our time. Wanting to feel good about how we spend our time is important. When we have balance -- we feel better about what we spend our time doing. Below are a few tips to help develop better balance in roles.
1: Examine current roles. Make a list of ALL current roles. It is important to dedicate time into identifying roles and writing them out.
2: Eliminate the "extra" roles. Identify roles that are no longer important to you and cross them off. Think about why they are no longer important to you.
3: Add new roles (if needed). Now that roles have been identified and 'extras' eliminated, see if there are new roles that you want to add.
4: Priortize your roles. Now that you have all the roles you want; make a new list of your roles by prioritizing them.
5: Know that your current roles are not concreate. Roles can always be adjusted and rebalanced.
There is no IEAL or PERFECT way to balance roles- You just need to feel good about what your roles are and how you spend your time.