We simply don’t want it to be. We can’t accept it. Most Of all we don’t want to accept it. When we first received the news of a loved one’s death, we rejected the news with such comments as:
- No, it can’t be.
- Are you sure? Somebody must have made a mistake!
- How can that be? I just talked with him/her yesterday!
- Maybe there’s been a mix-up in the medical charts. Hospitals can make a mistake! Right?
- No! No!! No!!! No!!!! NO!!!!!
With every fiber of our being, we fight a reality that we can’t wrap our minds around. How can someone be present one moment and gone the next? We are like the two tantrum-year-old who has been told NO. The angry child throws a temper tantrum with their whole body because they are rejecting a reality that they cannot and will not tolerate. When the news of our loved one is delivered we fight totally a reality that we will not tolerate or cannot be able to accept at that moment…mentally, physically, emotionally, mentally, socially or spiritually. How can it be? It was never meant to be this way! IT ALL SEEMS SO UNFAIR!
That’s where the true struggle in grief comes from. We are forced to accept what to us is unacceptable. Healing comes when we not only accept the facts of the death in our minds but the emotional impact on our hearts. With the support and understanding of compassionate and listening to people in our lives, we mourners can start to do that.
Remember that grief is a process that takes time. It is not an event. But most important to remember is that grief should never be done alone and in silence. Reaching out for help and support in the grief journey is the first step toward healing and hope.