Does your family spend more time arguing and fighting than making new memories? You’re not alone, and there are steps you can take to achieve peace. These are nine common family disputes and tips for solving them.
1. Unaddressed Trauma or Grief
One reason your family argues all the time could be unresolved trauma, whether individual or from a shared experience like a sudden loss, natural disaster or divorce. We all process emotions differently, which can lead to miscommunications, avoidance and isolation. Some people may also experience denial or anger that impacts those around them and sets the stage for a fight.
Here are a few things you can do to promote conflict management during these times:
- Understand your differences: No two people manage their feelings the same way, especially when trauma is involved. Grief alone manifests in so many different ways, ranging from making lighthearted jokes to pushing away loved ones. Understand that it’s OK to feel differently about a situation than your loved one does and that neither of you is right or wrong. Unresolved trauma is not the place for comparison.
- Prioritize healthy communication: Communication breaks down quickly when unaddressed emotions are at play. Prioritize clear, honest communication with your family, whether that’s in the form of weekly meetings or writing letters. Don’t assume you know what each other is thinking — ask questions and seek to understand.
- Seek mediation or professional help: Trauma and grief are complex to navigate, especially alone. Consider involving a third-party mediator or professional counselor to help your family better understand each other and reach a place of peace and healing. If you can’t convince your family of the benefits of therapy, focus on what you can do for yourself to facilitate the process by seeking professional support.
2. Blending Families
Family relationships change any time new people are introduced. When a parent remarries and brings a new partner or children into the home, it can lead to divided loyalties, role confusion and competition for attention between siblings. Your familiar routines are disrupted, and there may be some lingering resentment left over if divorce is involved. Here’s how to navigate this new transition:
- Have a plan: Take time to establish what each adult’s role will be in the home and how discipline will work. Ensure you share your values and priorities so there’s no confusion for the child. This is also a good time to discuss the logistics of the move-in with your children — who will sleep where, which spaces are designated family areas and so on.
- Encourage compromise: Compromise is key in a newly blended family, especially if children are involved. If your child is struggling with their new step-siblings, encourage compromise — work together to find a solution that leaves both children feeling heard and valued.
- Prioritize stability: Remarrying and introducing new people into an established home is a big change. Prioritize stability during this time. For example, if you have weekly movie nights on Friday, uphold that tradition. Continue sharing meals at the dinner table or listening to your favorite music on the ride to school.
- Hold regular family meetings: Regular family meetings give everyone an opportunity to share their feelings and raise questions. This is a good way to address conflict head-on before it spirals into a fight or resentment. Turn these meetings into outings to create new memories as a blended family.
- Have realistic expectations: While you want everyone to get along in your new family arrangement, it’s important to keep perspective. Consider how age impacts family transitions, and avoid comparing each child’s progress with one another.
Blended families might also take the form of your new in-laws. This is a common source of conflict for families, especially around the holidays or when children are involved. Consider these tips:
- Find common ground: Avoid using absolutes when thinking or talking about your new in-laws. Instead of focusing on what they “always” or “never” do, consider where you have common ground. Maybe you all enjoy traveling or have a favorite hobby to participate in — use these shared interests as the groundwork for building your relationship.
- Set clear boundaries: Healthy boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else’s behavior, but about setting rules for your own behavior and knowing when to let people in and when to draw a line for your own well-being. Once you set your boundaries and communicate them to your in-laws, be sure to stick to them.
3. Health Conditions
If you’re caring for a loved one with a chronic or terminal condition, you’re familiar with the effect it can have on your family. Over half of families report conflict as a loved one is dying. Issues can arise when family members disagree about the terms of care and who will provide it. Mental health can also impact relationships, especially if a loved one hasn’t sought treatment for a condition like addiction. Plus, all health diagnoses are associated with unexpected costs and changes in routine, creating the ideal environment for fighting.
Here’s what to do:
- Take care of yourself first: While it’s natural to want to prioritize your loved one’s well-being, you have to take care of yourself first or you’ll be in no state to help others. Take time to tend to your own physical and mental health, and make sure you are getting plenty of rest, water and nutritious food.
- Work toward common goals: If your family can’t agree on things like caretaking styles or how to split medical costs, it helps to work toward a common goal. Identify what you do agree on and figure out a path toward compromise from there.
- Encourage professional support: Health conditions introduce a lot of complex emotions into the mix — a professional therapist can offer your family an unbiased perspective and ensure each conversation is productive and working toward the same goals.
4. Divorced Parents
Even when a divorce is in the best interest of all involved, it can have lasting impacts on children. Research shows that children develop a fear of abandonment if their separated parents fight, and children raised in a high-conflict divorce scenario can develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress. Divorce conflict often stems from the separated parents disparaging each other in front of their kids, leaving children with conflicting feelings of having to “choose” a side or defend one of their parents. Fights can also emerge from the disruption to daily routines that come from divorce — when children are out of their typical routine, it can cause feelings of instability and insecurity.
Minimize tension and upheaval with these steps:
- Work with a family counselor: A family counselor can help you and your children transition into this new stage of life. They will help your children address any resentment or questions they have about the new arrangement and ensure your child is coping in healthy ways.
- Focus on healing yourself: During this transition, model a positive outlook and resilient mindset for your children by taking care of yourself. That may mean seeing a therapist, working with a mediator or scheduling extra time for self-care.
- Avoid speaking negatively: Refrain from speaking critically of your ex-partner in front of your children, as this can cause extreme distress and contribute to an already tense environment for the whole family.
5. Financial Matters
A 2023 Stress in America survey found that all age groups listed money and the economy as significant stressors. Whether you’re in debt, own a business with family, are settling a family estate or are seeking employment, emotions can run high when money is involved.
Here’s how to handle this common family dispute:
- Focus on problem-solving: Work with your family to find the root of your financial woes and create a goal that each of you can work toward. Focusing on problem-solving instead of blaming and accusations keeps the conversation productive and lets everyone approach the issue from their own perspective.
- Understand each others’ perspectives: Everyone grows up in a different economic situation, and that can inform how we each earn, manage, spend and feel about money. Take time to understand why your loved one might feel the way they do, and calmly explain your own rationale to offer another perspective.
- Consult a financial advisor: A financial advisor can offer expert, unbiased guidance for navigating your family’s financial concerns. They can recommend steps for each person to take and help settle lingering questions.
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6. Communication Issues
Many family conflicts boil down to a lack of clear communication — that’s why a simple discussion about whose turn it is to do the dishes can spiral into a full-blown fight. Pause for a moment to check in with yourself and your family. Are you following these best practices:
- Practice active listening: Active listening shows you respect the other person enough to really engage with what they’re saying. As you give your loved one the time and space to communicate their thoughts and needs, be sure not to interrupt. Listen with the intention of understanding, putting aside your own opinions or conclusions until you’ve heard all they have to say. Be mindful of your body language and facial expressions. Stay on topic and avoid bringing up other issues or past grievances — save those for a separate conversation. When they finish, summarize what they said back to them and ask questions for clarity to show you’ve listened.
- Speak without blame or accusation: Don’t start a conversation with accusation or blame — this may manifest as “you” sentences instead of “I” statements. Focus the conversation on how something makes you feel. For example, instead of “You’re always on your phone and never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel unseen and isolated when you check your phone during our conversations.”
- Vocalize your feelings: Instead of assuming your loved one knows what you think and feel, vocalize those emotions with clear language.
7. Scheduling Conflicts
It’s hard to communicate and spend time together when everyone’s schedule is full. If you’re not careful, constant busyness can lead to feelings of abandonment or loneliness. Keep these tips in mind:
- Schedule designated family time: Schedule regular time to spend together, whether that’s a weekly dinner or monthly outing.
- Explain your schedule to your child: Explain your schedule to your child so they can better understand why you might have to miss some events. This teaches them the importance of following through with their responsibilities and lets them know they’re still loved and valued.
- Use visual tools: Keep everyone’s schedules organized and visible with tools like dry-erase calendars, printed to-do lists or a shared digital planning app.
- Ask for your child’s input: You have a lot on your plate between work and raising a family — sometimes, that means choosing which events you can and can not be present for. When this happens, ask for your child’s input. For example, would they rather have you in the audience at their after-school play or at their school awards ceremony? This lets you align your schedule with their priorities, too.
8. Splitting Responsibilities
One of the most common family arguments stems from splitting responsibilities around the home. Consider trying the following:
- Create a chore list: Create a visual list of all daily and weekly chores that need to be completed, using clear language to describe the task and how it’s done. Notate which ones are priorities and the frequency of each task. Hang this list somewhere easily visible, like the refrigerator or front door.
- Assign tasks: Once your list is complete, assign the tasks equally among the family. Account for each person’s likes and dislikes, and compromise by taking turns or varying the schedule weekly.
- Manage your expectations: Household chores should support a clean, safe home, but be mindful of your expectations. Sometimes, there simply isn’t enough time for a perfect home, as messes are a part of daily life. Focus more on ensuring follow-through to instill a sense of responsibility in children.
- Work together on scheduling: Instead of telling your child when to complete a chore, ask them what times work best for them. They may prefer to spend a little time each day after school or complete everything on a Saturday morning. This encourages collaboration.
9. Disciplinary Methods
Many situations that cause family conflict stem from different approaches to discipline, which can lead to inconsistency in parenting and tension between parents. Here are a few tips:
- Know your parenting styles: Identifying your and your partners’ parenting styles is the first step toward understanding each other’s perspective. Some of the most common include authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and uninvolved. Experts agree that authoritative parenting typically leads to the most successful outcomes for children. Once you know where you both stand, the stage is set to establish boundaries and goals.
- Establish your boundaries: Let your partner know what you are not OK with when it comes to discipline. While physical intervention is never the right answer, how do you feel about yelling? What type of punishments make you feel uncomfortable? What experiences do you have that may help guide your parenting styles? Once you’ve set your boundaries, don’t be afraid to stick to them — and know when it’s time to remove yourself and your child from the situation, if necessary.
- Determine what you agree on: Now that you know where your differences lie, what parenting values and disciplinary beliefs do you have in common that you can build on? For example, maybe you both feel that neglecting to complete a chore should result in lost screen time — use your common ground as a jumping-off point for seeking compromise.
- Work with a counselor: If you and your partner can’t agree on the core components of discipline, professional couples or family counseling can help. Having a third party involved helps mediate your discussions, and a professional has the education and experience necessary to help you form a healthy, proactive parenting plan.
Counseling Can Help Your Family Heal
If your family feels dysfunctional, there is hope. The counselors at Taylor Counseling Group are here to help you navigate life’s many challenges and transitions. We’ll work with your family to promote open communication, set goals, establish strong habits and take steps toward a more harmonious household. Learn more about our couples counseling and family counseling options, then schedule your first appointment online to get started.
